A Third Baby - Am I Being Selfish

Baby number three – am I just being selfish?? by A Mum Track Mind

Deciding whether to have a third baby is a difficult decision that many parents will make. But for Fi from A Mum Track Mind the decision is even harder as Fi suffered from HG during her pregnancy with Sophie. For any parent or mum-to-be with HG I salute you, I cannot imagine how hard it must be, especially if you have little ones to look after. Here Fi tells us how torn she is by this decision…..

Sophie has just turned 19 months old and I’ve made no secret of the fact that I’ve wanted baby number three since she was about six weeks old. I know, I know, I’m probably bonkers but, well, tell me something I don’t know.

Deciding to have baby number three is such a massive decision isn’t it? How do you know when the right time is? There are so many factors at play and so many things to consider – probably much more so than when you are deciding to have your first because there are several other little people involved now.

My head and heart are awash with emotions right now and all of the things I know I should consider:

My body,
My two beautiful children,
The right time to take a maternity leave,
Perhaps most importantly, a rather reluctant partner.

So many thoughts and questions spinning round – argh! So many unknowns and all of them trumped by my demanding and vociferous ovaries who currently, are jumping up and down excitedly and shouting “oh heyyy!” at the slightest whiff of testosterone going past. Damn them.

There’s ten years between my children and although this was far more out of circumstance than choice, it is an age gap that I love. Despite that, I wouldn’t really have wanted this age gap again and I’d presumed up until my pregnancy with Sophie, that I’d have my next two children much closer in age.

Six weeks into my pregnancy and in the middle of a return flight from Vancouver, Hyperemesis (HG) set in. It was a traumatising and terrible pregnancy from there on in. HG is a debilitating and mostly misunderstood condition, which I have written about before if you have read my blog. Even now I am catapulted back to a state of nausea when my hormone levels rise each month and I know in my heart that my next pregnancy would be crushingly awful because of this condition. And that is where the question of a third baby comes seriously into jeopardy. Women who suffer with HG, are 80% more likely to suffer with it again in a subsequent pregnancy and it gets worse with each occurrence. That is no joke believe me, especially when there are other children to take care of. In fact my consultant told me that should I decide to try again, I could expect to pack my bags for a nine month stay attached to a drip because this time, it would be  B-A-D.

I don’t know if I have the strength to go through it all again, although I remember saying that last time too and here I am. I  do know for sure that I couldn’t be any kind of a parent to my children whilst suffering with HG though. I was no kind of a mother to Zak during my pregnancy with Sophie, believe me. All I could do was lie in a hospital bed and vomit into a bowl and rely on family to help out. So it seems totally selfish to even be contemplating this all over again, right?!

And yet…faced with the possibility of holding another new life, the excitement of meeting another new person, being the mother of three children, snuggling with a new, soft and squishy newborn baby once more? Oosh.

I don’t know if I’m ready to say that I am never going to have that again. Am I ready to let that go? I just don’t know.

The thing about your last baby is that every first is your last. When every milestone, gooey smile and sticky kiss is perfect and painful, it makes it all very bittersweet and really calls into question whether this really can be the last one. Am I really ready to say goodbye to those exhausting but all encompassing milky cuddles? That stage when really your baby is all yours?

All I know is that I am currently being held hostage by my hormones and the lure of the newborn stage is calling me thick and fast.

So tell me, how did you know when the right time to have another baby was? How did you know when you were done having babies? Shout up in loud voices because I need to hear you over the lemming-like “yippee’s!!” of my ovaries as they push me over the cliff once more.

Fi x

You can read more from Fi at A Mum Track Mind, or check her out on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and You Tube.

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